Fatherhood in Hindsight

Just passing it along.

To my fellow fathers and dads-to-be,

I'm Jack. Dad of two. Not a parenting expert, not a doctor, and despite what the coffee mug my kids got me says, almost certainly not the best dad in the world. That said, I am someone who wrote down everything I learned about being a dad that I thought could be helpful for the next guy.

This site started in the Notes app on my phone, typed one-handed, usually around 3 am while trying to figure out why my baby was crying. It was intended for a friend whose partner was also expecting. Then he asked for an easy way to send it to another friend, so I put it in a Google Doc. Those friends started sending it to their friends, and eventually, I just decided to put it out there for everyone.

So that's how Fatherhood in Hindsight came to be. I treat this site as a living document, fed by an endless cycle of "I wish I'd known that beforehand" and "I have to tell my friends this." As my kids age and I figure stuff out — or figure out what I didn't have figured out — I'll try to keep adding to it. Happy to have you along for the ride, and congratulations on joining our not-at-all exclusive club!

A few things up front:

Good luck. You're going to do great.

— Jack

Pre-birth

We're pregnant, now what? (0-8 weeks)

Wait, how many weeks are we?

This one tripped me up immediately, and I've yet to meet a first-time dad who didn't have the same "wait, what?" moment. So here it is up front:

The day you see a positive pregnancy test, your partner is already about four weeks pregnant.

Yes, already. Pregnancy isn't counted from the day of conception. It's counted from the first day of your partner's last menstrual period. So by the time her body has done all the work required to produce a positive test, the calendar has already been ticking for about four weeks.

Even weirder: ovulation typically happens about two weeks after the start of that menstrual period. So for the first two of those four "pregnant" weeks, your partner wasn't actually pregnant. There was no embryo. Nothing was happening. But the clock was running anyway.

Why count it this way? Because the start of a menstrual period is the last thing that's clearly observable and dateable. Ovulation is harder to pin down, and the moment of conception is basically impossible. So the medical world anchors the whole 40-week countdown on the last time we know she wasn't pregnant, and just lives with the fact that the math is, technically, a little off.

Long story short: when the test goes positive, you're already halfway to your first appointment. Welcome to a process that doesn't entirely make sense and won't start making sense for another eight months.

What to do right away

There are a few things worth handling in the first week or two of finding out. None are urgent in a panicky sense, but all of them are easier to deal with sooner than later.

First: decide if you're going to tell people, and when. Leave it up to your partner.

Lots of couples wait until after the 8 week appointment, or even the 12 week mark, to share the news with anyone outside their inner circle. The reason is that early pregnancy carries real risk of loss, and a lot of people would rather not have to walk that back publicly if something goes wrong. I made the mistake of encouraging my wife to reveal our first pregnancy before we'd seen the doctor. It didn't work out, and it made a devastating situation worse. Your partner gets to decide who knows and when. Your job is to back her up.

Second: start taking prenatal vitamins, if you aren't already.

The early weeks of pregnancy are when a lot of critical development is happening, and your partner being deficient in certain nutrients during this window can have real consequences. The big one is folic acid, which is essential for the proper development of the baby's neural tube (the structure that becomes the brain and spinal cord). A deficiency here is associated with an increased likelihood of neural tube defects.

My wife liked these, but there are plenty of options. Skip the gummy ones. If your mom-to-be is someone who ends up having food aversions or bad morning sickness, and she likely will fall into at least one of those camps, trying to choke down a gummy vitamin can be rough. Stick to plain, unflavored pills. Also, she is probably going to forget to take them at some point. Be ready to reassure her that she hasn't ruined the baby's life, just get back on schedule the next day.

Worth flagging: morning sickness often kicks in well before your 8 week appointment, sometimes as early as week 5 or 6. If your partner is dealing with it, vitamin B6 is worth asking your doctor about (it's a common first-line recommendation for pregnancy nausea). And if it gets bad enough to be debilitating, the doctor can prescribe stronger medication that's safe for the baby. There's no medal for white-knuckling it.

Third: pick where you're going to go for your first appointment.

This is traditionally called the "8 week appointment," and as the next entry covers in detail, where you book it has bigger downstream implications than most people realize. So don't just call the closest practice on your insurance. Read the next entry first.

Scheduling your first appointment and why it matters more than you think

Where you book your 8 week appointment might matter more than you think. Not only are you selecting the OBGYN who's going to be your primary care provider for the next eight months, they're also (ideally) the person who's going to deliver your baby. And the hospital they operate out of is where your partner is going to give birth.

To be clear: you should treat this first appointment like a job interview. You're the hiring company, and the OBGYN is the person applying to work there.

Go in armed with questions to help you understand what kind of person they are, how they function, and whether their philosophy lines up with yours. Here are some sample questions, tied to topics that come up later in this document:

  • What's your opinion on cord blood banking?
  • How do you handle pain management during delivery? Are you supportive of epidurals, or do you push to avoid them?
  • What's your stance on induction? Will you induce at 39-40 weeks if we want that?
  • What's the C-section rate at this hospital, and what's yours specifically?
  • Who delivers if you're not on call when my partner goes into labor?
  • How do you feel about birth plans?

You don't need a "right" answer to any of these, you just need answers that match what you and your partner want. If they bristle at being asked, that's an answer too.

You are under no legal or moral obligation to stick with a provider or hospital that isn't a good fit.

If you walk into the 8 week appointment and the OBGYN gives you the creeps, or the hospital isn't your speed, or the front desk is a disaster, go book a different 8 week appointment somewhere else. We did exactly this. We switched providers and hospitals after our first appointment, and we were very happy we did. Nobody is going to throw you in OBGYN jail for shopping around.

How to prepare for prenatal appointments

Start a notes app on your phone right now and call it something like "OB Questions." Every time something comes up between appointments: a weird symptom, something your partner read online, a recommendation from a friend, anything. Drop it in. Then before each appointment, pull it up and bring it with you.

OBGYNs are usually in a hurry, and your appointment time is shorter than you think.

They're often juggling a packed schedule, and there's a real chance they get pulled out partway through to go deliver someone else's baby. It'll be annoying in the moment, but you'll appreciate the precedent when your partner is the one giving birth and another patient's appointment is the thing getting cut short. Walking in with a list means you actually get answers to the things you wanted to ask, instead of walking out and going, "oh shit, we forgot to ask about X."

This applies from the 8 week appointment all the way through delivery. Make it a habit early.

What actually happens at the 8 week appointment

Your first appointment is going to be around the 8 week mark, and it's going to be your first real look at what's happening in there.

If your partner is comfortable with it, you should plan to go. There's no rule that says dads stay home for the early stuff, and this is your chance to meet the doctor, ask the questions you brought with you, and start getting a feel for how this whole thing is going to go. Don't skip it.

The doctor is mainly checking three things. First, they're trying to detect a heartbeat. Second, they're checking for normal stages of development, which at this stage mostly means looking for something called a fetal pole, the early structure that eventually becomes the baby's head, body, and spine. Third, they're trying to date the pregnancy, meaning they'll measure what they can see and use it to estimate how far along your partner actually is. The "weeks pregnant" number you've been working with is based on her last period, so this appointment is the first chance to confirm or adjust it.

At 8 weeks, "normal" still looks like a blurry blob with a flicker in it. That's the whole show.

If you've been imagining a recognizable baby on the screen, recalibrate. You're looking for a heartbeat (a tiny pulsing dot) and a pole (a slightly less tiny smudge). That's it. The recognizable baby ultrasound photos people post on Instagram come later, usually around 20 weeks.

The appointment itself is short. The doctor or tech will use either an external ultrasound or, more commonly at this stage, a transvaginal one (which is exactly what it sounds like, and which nobody warns you about ahead of time). They'll point out what they see, take some measurements, and that's basically it.

"Bad news" you might get at 8 weeks (that isn't necessarily bad)

During this appointment, you may hear things like "we're unable to find the heartbeat" or "we're not seeing a fetal pole." Don't immediately freak out.

A missing heartbeat or pole at 8 weeks is not automatically bad news.

The most common reason for either is that you conceived a bit later than you thought, and the equipment can't pick anything up yet. Remember, the "weeks pregnant" number is based on your partner's last period, not on the actual day of conception. There's a built-in margin of error, and a week or two of difference is the whole reason a small fetal pole or a quiet heartbeat might just be a timing issue.

That said, sometimes bad news is bad news. The first time we got pregnant, our doctor couldn't find a fetal pole at our 8 week appointment. We were told to come back in a week for a second scan, and that was the appointment where we found out the pregnancy wasn't viable.

I think it's important to include this, because it happens a lot. People don't love to talk about it, but something like 25% of pregnancies result in miscarriages. That number may even be under-reported, because plenty of people don't know they were pregnant very early on. I hope this doesn't happen to you, but the odds are pretty good that some people reading this will experience this in their journey. (Or already have.)

You're under no obligation to follow this advice, but if you do experience any kind of loss, I highly recommend being open about it. Lots of people go through this, very few people talk about it, and that preserves a stigma that isn't healthy for anyone involved.

Also, worth noting: if you're talking to someone else who has had a loss, or talking to your own partner about yours, try not to say things like "she lost the baby." This puts the onus on the mother and implies that she somehow failed, which couldn't be farther from the truth. This is just something that happens if you want to have children, so be careful with your word choice.

What if it is bad news?

If your partner's pregnancy is non-viable, there are typically three options (or more like two-and-a-half).

The three options are inducing the miscarriage with medication, waiting to see if your partner's body rejects the pregnancy on its own, or surgery.

Note: with the elimination of Roe v. Wade, the first option may no longer be available in some states, but I'm not an expert on the law.

The first option is a medically induced miscarriage. The doctor will administer or prescribe a hormone that induces labor. In our case, we were prescribed pitocin, and my wife had to administer it herself at home by using a finger to push it up against her cervix. (It's about as unpleasant as it sounds.) This forces the body to "go into labor" and expel the non-viable embryo, effectively resulting in a miscarriage.

The second option was to wait and see if her body would naturally move forward with terminating the pregnancy on its own, without medication. This is really more of a temporary option, since if her body doesn't resolve it, you end up at the third option anyway.

The third option, if neither of the above worked, would have been a dilation and curettage, usually called a D&C. This is surgery, and it's best avoided if you have other options.

This is not intended to be a political statement, just an acknowledgment that people in this situation, which is already devastating, may face tougher choices than we did.

Through the pregnancy (9-22 weeks)

Should you take a baby class?

If you can find one, take it. Especially if it's your first kid.

My wife is basically a baby expert. She's been a NICU nurse for years. Meanwhile, I was still that guy who'd ask, "how do I hold this thing?" when anyone handed me a baby, so I really felt like I needed some training. Whether you're an expert or not, the class is relatively pain free and we both found parts of it helpful. (More for me, but she said she picked up a thing or two too!)

The biggest thing a baby class does is keep you from freaking out about normal stuff.

They cover the things nobody tells you: that your newborn's diaper might have weird crystals in it (urate crystals, just hyper-concentrated urine, totally normal), that they'll lose weight in the first few days, that their poop can change colors a lot in the early days. None of this is dangerous, but if you don't know it's coming, you'll spend the first month driving your pediatrician crazy.

You'll also pick up actual hands-on skills you'd rather not be learning for the first time in an emergency, like infant CPR and what to do if your kid is choking. Worth the price of admission on its own.

They're also a good place to meet other people going through the same thing, which can be a real lifeline once the kid is here. Take advantage if your hospital or community offers one.

Get your TDAP vaccine (and tell everyone else to get theirs)

Adults usually get the TDAP vax every 7 years, but it's a different story with a baby in the house. If it's been over a year since your last booster, plan to get another one. Same goes for anyone else who's going to be spending a lot of time with the baby: grandparents, siblings, even potentially friends if they're around a lot.

TDAP covers tetanus, diphtheria, and pertussis. The pertussis (whooping cough) one is the part that matters here.

Pertussis can spread from an adult who just thinks they have a regular cold, and it can be genuinely dangerous for a newborn whose immune system isn't built out yet. Getting boosted shrinks the odds you're the one passing it along.

Logistically it's easy. Walk into any CVS or equivalent, tell them you're having a baby and need a TDAP, and they'll give it to you on the spot. You don't need an appointment or anything, and insurance will usually cover it, so there aren't any great excuses.

The NIPT (your next major milestone after the 8 week appointment)

After your 8 week appointment, the next major milestone is the NIPT, usually scheduled somewhere between weeks 10 and 13.

NIPT stands for Non-Invasive Prenatal Testing. It's a blood draw from your partner that screens for a handful of chromosomal conditions, and (if you want to know) it can tell you the sex of the baby.

Mechanically, the doctor just does a standard blood draw from your partner. The test works by picking up fragments of the baby's DNA that are floating around in her bloodstream, which is wild when you stop to think about it.

What it screens for: the most common chromosomal conditions, including Down syndrome (Trisomy 21), Trisomy 18, and Trisomy 13. Depending on which test your practice uses, it may also flag some smaller chromosomal issues called microdeletions. Important caveat: NIPT is a screening test, not a diagnostic one. A flagged result means elevated risk, not a confirmed diagnosis. If something does come back flagged, your doctor will walk you through next steps, which usually involve a more definitive follow-up test.

Heads up on the sex piece: the test will tell you the sex if you want to know, but the practice will usually ask you up front whether you want that info or not. Have the conversation with your partner before you walk in. There's a separate entry on this later because it's its own decision.

One more practical note: insurance coverage varies a lot. If your partner is 35 or older, or has any risk factors, it's usually covered. If she's younger and lower risk, it may be out of pocket, and costs are all over the map. Be sure to understand what your insurance covers and what the office may charge beforehand.

The NT scan (your first real look at the baby)

Sometime between weeks 11 and 14, you'll go in for an NT scan. NT stands for Nuchal Translucency, which is a fancy way of saying they're going to measure the fluid at the back of the baby's neck.

The NT scan is partly a screening test for chromosomal conditions, but it's also the first appointment where the baby actually looks like a baby on screen.

The medical purpose: increased fluid behind the neck is associated with elevated risk of conditions like Down syndrome. The doctor or tech will measure it and combine that with bloodwork (sometimes called the first trimester combined screen) to give you a risk estimate. Like NIPT, this is screening, not diagnostic. A flagged result means elevated risk, not a confirmed diagnosis.

Worth knowing: a lot of practices have started skipping the NT scan because NIPT is more accurate at catching the same conditions. Some still do both, some just do NIPT, and some still run NT scans routinely. Don't be surprised if your practice doesn't offer one, and don't feel like you're missing out if they don't.

The reason this scan is worth its own entry, regardless of the medical side, is that it's the first ultrasound where you're going to see something that genuinely looks like a tiny human. At 8 weeks you're squinting at a flicker. At 12 weeks you've got a head, a body, arms and legs that wave around. Most practices won't let you record video for liability reasons, but they'll usually print you a few stills to take home. Ask, and bring something to put them in if you want to keep them nice.

The anatomy scan (the big one)

Sometime between weeks 18 and 22, your partner is going in for the anatomy scan. This is the one most people are thinking of when they imagine "the ultrasound." It's longer than every other appointment so far, and it's the most detailed look at the baby that anyone is going to take before delivery.

The anatomy scan checks every major organ and structure, and it's the most thorough look at the baby that anyone takes before delivery.

Plan for 30 to 60 minutes in the room. The tech is going to systematically work through every part of the baby's anatomy: heart chambers, brain, spine, kidneys, stomach, bladder, arms, legs, fingers, toes, even the umbilical cord. They'll also measure head circumference, abdomen, and femur length to confirm the baby is growing on track.

One thing worth knowing going in: the tech is not going to tell you anything. They're taking measurements and checking off a list, and they're going to be quiet through most of it. You'll probably sit there worrying because they aren't saying anything, but it's not because they're hiding something. Techs are trained to hold the same neutral expression no matter what they're looking at, mostly for liability reasons. They aren't qualified to interpret findings, and they can't risk saying something that turns out to be wrong. Don't try to read their face. You won't get anything useful out of it.

If you didn't find out the sex from NIPT, this is the other window where they can usually tell you. The tech will ask up front whether you want to know.

If the baby is in a weird position (face down, curled up, etc.), the tech may not be able to see everything they need to. That's normal, and it just means a follow-up appointment to finish the checklist. Don't read into it.

After the scan, the doctor may review the results and come in to talk to you right away, or they may tell you they'll call you with the results later. Either way, if something came up, they'll explain it then. They may also come in or call even if nothing came up, just to check in. Don't spiral if the tech says they're going to run the results by the doctor, and don't freak out if the doctor walks in after. This is all pretty normal. Do your best to assume everything is okay and go from there.

3D ultrasounds (just for fun)

We found out from a friend that you can do a commercial ultrasound. Same idea as the one in the doctor's office, but without the rush or medical stress. Just a chance to see your kid moving around in there.

A 3D ultrasound is an entirely optional, for-fun appointment. You're paying for time and good photos, not medical insight.

The technician takes their time, the screen is bigger, and you'll usually leave with a handful of photos or a short video. Most cities have at least one of these clinics. Find one whose vibe you like.

Pure want-to-have, not need-to-have. Skip it if it's not your thing.

Sleep position (and the pregnancy pillow)

Sleep is going to get rough as your partner gets further into the pregnancy. And I don't mean just for her. The bigger she gets, the harder it is for her to find a comfortable position. She's going to toss, turn, and get up to pee constantly. If she's anything like my wife, there will also be a lot of loud sighs. You'll get to be along for the ride for all of it. Be prepared to start losing sleep even before the baby arrives.

Highly recommend getting a pregnancy pillow ahead of time for both of your sakes.

It's basically a giant body pillow shaped to support the belly, the back, and prop a leg up all at once. My wife swore by this one. It is enormous and takes up half the bed. That's a feature, not a bug.

If she's a back sleeper, she'll need to switch to her side at some point. Starting around 20 weeks, doctors typically recommend side sleeping (left side preferred for blood flow reasons), and the weight of the belly while lying flat can be bad for the baby.

Sex during pregnancy

Sex is (likely) how you got here in the first place, so I'd be remiss not to talk about it a little. Some quick notes:

1. You can have sex.

Unless your doctor specifically tells you otherwise, sex during pregnancy is totally fine. You may have to get a little creative with logistics as your partner gets further along (positions that worked fine for years suddenly don't, side-lying becomes the default, etc.), but the activity itself is on the table. Common reasons the doctor might say no for a while include a history of preterm labor, vaginal bleeding, or placenta previa. If they flag it, take it seriously and ask what is and isn't okay.

2. You aren't going to hurt the baby.

I know it's easy to think otherwise, especially if you're convinced you're just too big to NOT hurt your kid. You're not. The baby is well-protected in the amniotic sac and uterus, and the cervix is sealed off by a mucus plug. Nothing you're doing is getting anywhere near the kid.

3. Your partner may not want sex. Or she may really want sex.

Either is normal. Pregnancy hormones can go in either direction, sometimes within the same week. Some women want sex more often than usual, some have zero interest, and plenty bounce between both depending on the trimester. Don't take it personally either way. None of it is about you.

4. Your own libido may also swing.

A lot of guys see their interest level fluctuate dramatically during pregnancy. Whether it's the new awareness of the kid being in there, the stress of becoming a parent, or just exhaustion from the lead-up, don't be freaked out if your libido does some weird things. It's normal.

Approaching delivery (23-40 weeks)

Why you need to be prepared for every appointment after 23 weeks

If you've made it this far, congratulations - you've hit the minimum threshold for a viable pregnancy. So... what does that mean?

From a medical perspective, 23 weeks is the minimum term most hospitals require before they will initiate any kind of medical intervention if your partner goes into labor. Prior to 23 weeks, survival rate is effectively 0%. You obviously don't want to give birth at this point, but the good news is that now, every additional day matters toward your goal of having a healthy kid. (Things are happening very fast now!)

From a logistics perspective, this means you need to go to every appointment from here forward ready to stay.

That means your hospital bag in the car, comfortable clothes on, and anything you'd want for an overnight stay within reach. You don't need to make a production out of it, just don't show up empty-handed.

This is exactly what happened to us. We went in for a 38 week check, the doctor found that my partner's amniotic fluid was too high, and they wheeled her straight from the appointment into the delivery room. No going home, no last meal, no warning. Being prepared saved us from a lot of scrambling.

You can ask to be induced

Most first-time parents don't realize this is an option, but you can ask your OBGYN to induce at 39 or 40 weeks instead of waiting for labor to start on its own. Your doctor may not be on board, or may have specific reasons to wait, but it's a conversation you can absolutely have.

We did this with both of our kids, for two reasons. First, a 39-40 week induction can actually have better medical outcomes for both mother and baby than going past term. Second, we liked having a small amount of control over what is otherwise a wildly unpredictable situation. Knowing we were going in on a set date, at a set time, made the whole experience feel less chaotic.

Get your home baby ready NOW

Continuing the thread from the last entry: your baby's venture home could be imminent. Don't be the guy with a pile of Amazon boxes in the corner of an empty nursery at 38 weeks. Get shit out of boxes, get it set up, and make sure you know how to use it.

Have the essentials assembled and tested well before you hit the third trimester.

Here are the absolute must-haves to have ready before the baby comes home. Most of this is cheap, easy to find, and nothing you want to be scrambling for at the end. Get it now and you're set:

  • Bottles. These are the ones we liked but there are a million options, and if you are doing any bottle feeding, you will probably have to try more than one. Don't buy a million of any one kind until you figure out what your kid will take. Only advice would be to get anti-colic ones that help them not swallow too much air. (You'll be thankful too, trust me.)
  • Burp cloths. However many you are thinking of buying or have already bought, buy more. These ones are great and nice and soft. You'll go through them constantly.
  • Free & Clear detergent. This is one that's very easy to forget. Baby skin is sensitive. Avoid using detergents with scents when you wash their clothes.
  • Frida Windies. Just buy these and thank me later. The whole idea sounds terrible, but trust me. When your kid has gas and nothing will soothe them, these are the cheapest lifesaver on the planet.
  • Triple Paste. Buy this. Buy a lot of this. It prevents diaper rash, and you do not want to be dealing with a baby with bad diaper rash. However much you think you need, get three times that much.
  • Aquaphor. Triple Paste handles most things, but for stuff like the Frida Windies, Aquaphor is the move. Also great if your baby has any eczema issues or dry skin, which is pretty common.
  • Hypoallergenic wipes. Cost-saving hack. You can probably find a similar deal at Costco or a similar store, but buy these in massive batches. You need a million, and they're like 60 cents a sheet if you buy them 1, 2, 3 at a time. If you buy a bunch at once, they're only like 20 cents a sheet. Also, general rule of thumb: always opt for unscented, hypoallergenic stuff. Otherwise, you run the risk of irritating your kid's skin.

Why you should just install the car seat now

The hospital will not let you leave without verification you have a properly installed car seat.

Installing a car seat is confusing. My first attempt was with my wife at the curb in a wheelchair holding our newborn, with her escort observing me with judgy eyes. Worth noting, the escort cannot help you for liability reasons, so you are on your own here. Luckily for me, some nurse getting off her shift took pity on me and stopped to help, or we might still be out there.

Even if you don't want to cruise around with the car seat in the back for the next few months, install it once.

If you're especially neurotic, you can take the installed car seat by a hospital or fire station. They'll inspect it for free and tell you if anything is off.

There's more on car seats later in the guide. I'm putting this here because it's part of always being prepared to go from this point forward.

Google "bloody show" before you head to the hospital

Just trust me on this one, especially if you're squeamish or a nervous person. Knowing what's happening will be the difference between knowing things are moving right along and thinking something is seriously wrong.

Why you need to pick a pediatrician like... today

I don't know how you're supposed to know this, but you aren't allowed to leave the hospital until you have established care with a pediatrician's office. Show up without one and you'll be scrambling to find a practice while your partner is trying to recover.

Pick a pediatrician and get registered with them well before delivery.

Most people meet with two or three pediatricians during pregnancy to find someone whose philosophy matches theirs. The intro appointments are usually free, and the pediatrician will walk you through how they handle common questions: sleep, feeding, vaccines, sick visits, after-hours availability, etc.

Why you should consider an "at-home" pediatrician

We've officially come full circle on doctors. They used to show up at your house with their bag, then we shifted to hospitals... and now the real premium service is having them come to your house like it's 1955.

After our son was born, we had to take him to the doctor every day for the first week to get his bilirubin tested. This meant: climbing in and out of a car, carrying a baby, sitting in a hard plastic chair, walking... all things that your partner is not going to be pumped to do after pushing a baby out.

One way to circumvent this is "concierge" or "at-home" pediatrician services. In our case, we used Modern Pediatrics in Texas. It was covered by insurance and only cost us maybe $100 a year for the membership. What we got was 24/7 on-call care from a pediatrician, an app to exchange messages, photos, videos, etc., and all of our visits happened from the comfort of our couch.

I cannot recommend this service highly enough if it's something you can manage.

Some Final Thoughts Before Delivery Day

Home births...

There's a lot to like about the idea of a home birth. It feels more natural. It avoids the institutional vibe of a hospital. You're surrounded by your own things, your own bed, your own space. It's intimate. It's controllable. And for parents who want a low-intervention experience, it can feel like the right choice on principle.

I get it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't see the appeal.

But I'm begging you not to do it. My wife has cared for a countless number of babies in the NICU who saw their chance at a normal life squandered in the precious minutes spent transferring to a hospital. Others survived unscathed, only to grow up without their moms.

Home births are associated with higher risk of infant death, seizures, and nervous system disorders... and that's just for the baby.

If something goes wrong during labor - and 6-8% of pregnancies involve high risk complications - that time to get to help can change your life - and not for the better. The recommendations your doctor makes are based on the best possible outcomes across the widest number of instances. A home birth quietly works against those odds. Do what is best for your kid.

I know people like my wife (and, by association, me) can come off as cold about this. The bluntness isn't judgment, it's math. You wouldn't have a major surgery in your living room. Don't try to pull off a major medical moment in the same space.

Due dates...

Here's another one straight from the OBGYNs and NICU nurses in my life.

It's very common for expecting mothers to want to have the "natural labor" experience - water breaking, driving to the hospital, letting your body do the "natural" thing, etc.

Every day you go over your 40 week due date, your likelihood of serious complications goes up, and beyond 41 weeks, the risks start to accelerate very dramatically. The risks include, but are not limited to: placental insufficiency, low amniotic fluid, and stillbirth.

There's also a size problem. Babies don't stop growing just because they've hit 40 weeks. Going post-term raises the odds of macrosomia (an unusually large baby), which can lead to shoulder dystocia. That's when the baby's shoulders get stuck after the head is already out, which is a real obstetric emergency. All of this drives the emergency C-section rate way up.

If your doctor starts pushing for an induction on or after your due date - they're not doing it to be mean. They're doing it to protect you and your child. Listen to them.

"Natural birth"...

A heads up on language: the term "natural birth" suggests that anything else isn't natural. Which is a problem.

Lots of women end up needing c-sections, and the insinuation that they couldn't give birth the "natural" way can dredge up pretty negative emotions, especially in a postpartum state.

The safer language: "vaginal birth" and "c-section."

Use those terms and you won't accidentally make someone feel like they failed at something they had no real control over.

Gear to buy before baby arrives

Baby stuff changes constantly, so there's probably some “must-haves” we liked that aren't even relevant by the time you're reading this. That said, here are some things we got that we were really happy to have. Remember - buy stuff EARLY. Your kid could be here before you know it, don't wait until you're at the hospital to be panic ordering on Amazon. Also, I put some stuff in post-birth, which was a mistake because if you don't read it in advance, you won't have it when you need it, but I'm too lazy to fix it now.

Worth noting - some of the stuff I’ve included is the “popular” brand stuff… not all popular brands are worth the money. Do not waste money on expensive baby shit unless someone swears it's worth it. A huge portion of it is branding, and a lot of it is useful for a very short window. Some are all branding, and not useful at all. For example, we bought the Nuna Leaf. It’s like $300, supposed to be some “incredible” swing. It was absolutely terrible. You have to manually swing it, so it’s helpful for as long as you have absolutely nothing else to do. Another name brand item that totally sucks is the Frida nose sucker. We went through 3 of them before switching to a cheaper brand that we still have to this day (listed below).

  • Cheap bedside mini-fridge. More on this later, but sometime in your future, in the middle of the night, you will thank me.
  • Bottles. There are a million options, and if you are doing any bottle feeding, you will probably have to try more than one. Don't buy a million of one kind until you figure out what your kid will take. Only advice would be to get anti-colic ones that help them not swallow too much air. (You'll be thankful too, trust me)
  • Burp clothes. However many you are thinking of buying or have already bought, buy more. These ones are great and nice and soft. You'll go through them constantly.
  • Free & Clear detergent. This is one that's very easy to forget. Babies skin is sensitive. Avoid using detergents with scents when you wash their clothes.
  • Multiple baby bouncers. This was one of the best “life hacks” we got. Bouncers are crazy cheap by baby stuff standards. Leave one in every room where you just occasionally need to put the baby down and have your hands free. As an example, we kept one in our master bathroom. If I had my son and I had to brush my teeth, I just set him in the bouncer for a minute. The ones with the vibrate feature seem to help chill them out in these moments. If you don't have multiple, you'll be carrying the baby and the bouncer everywhere. Don’t waste money on expensive ones, they're going to outgrow it in no time anyway.
  • Doona Car Seat/Stroller Combo. If you can afford this, this may be the most clutch item outside of a Snoo for the next 6-12 months of your life. It’s a car seat that turns into a stroller. Kid sleeping in the car and you don’t want to wake him but you’re at the restaurant? Pop them out and get on your way. Also, super lightweight. Oh, and one more thing - if you buy this, don’t buy a stroller too. That’s the whole point is that you have one. It comes with a base that stays in your car, so you don’t have to worry about reinstalling it constantly - just pop it in, pop it out.
  • Snoo. Honest to god, these things are magic. It soothes your kid back to sleep when they wake up in the middle of the night, and it helps keep them asleep with a gentle rocking motion. It’s not perfect, but it’s worth every penny. You can buy them at that link, but if you’re working on a budget, they also have a program to rent them as well. Also, you can probably find a used one for way cheaper if you’re comfortable with that.
  • Nanit Baby Monitor. These things are the best baby monitors, with one caveat. If you go to a hotel or something that doesn’t have password protected Wifi, they do not work. So be aware you are almost certainly going to need an old school “local network” monitor.
  • Battery Powered Nose Sucker. If you’re trying to save money, you can get the old school ones you suck on, or a bulb sucker, but at some point you’re going to suck boogers out of your kids nose. I wasn’t keen on using my mouth to do that, or trying to get a bulb to work effectively. Your kid will hate any of these options, but they’re really helpful and this one holds up way better than the more expensive ones.
  • Frida Windies. Just buy these and thank me later. The whole idea sounds so terrible, but trust me. When your kid has gas and nothing will soothe them, these are the cheapest lifesaver on the planet.
  • Triple Paste. Buy this. Buy a lot of this. It prevents diaper rash, and you do not want to be dealing with a baby with bad diaper rash. However much you think you need, get three times that much.
  • Aquaphor. Triple paste handles most things, but for stuff like the Frida windies, Aquaphor is the move. Also, great if your baby has any eczema issues or dry skin, which is pretty common.
  • Nail “Trimmer”. This is one of those “bet you didn’t know that” items. Kids’ nails are super soft, and you’re not really supposed to trim them like we trim our nails. This thing is built like a brick shit house - our kids have chucked it plenty of times, but we still use it to this day. You start on the softest file, then work your way up as they get older and their nails get harder.
  • Hypoallergenic Wipes. This is more a cost saving hack. You can probably find a similar deal at Costco or a similar store, but buy these in massive batches. You need a million, and they’re like 60 cents a sheet if you buy them 1, 2, 3, at a time. If you buy a bunch at once, they’re only like 20 cents a sheet. Also, general rule of thumb, always opt for unscented, hypoallergenic stuff. Otherwise, you run the risk of irritating your kid’s skin.
  • Hatch Night Light. This is one of the name brand items that is worth it. It’s also one of the rare baby items you’ll buy that is actually useful for an extended period of time. We’ve been using ours for over 4 years now and as your kids get older, the app is clutch. For example, we have ours programmed to change colors when our son is allowed to get up, so if he wakes up, he looks at it and if it isn’t blue, he knows it’s not “up time” yet and goes back to bed.
  • Portable Sound Machine. There are a million different versions of this but they’re super clutch when your kids are 0-12 months or so. You can buy cute ones but they’re expensive and frankly, your kid is too young to care. Just get a couple of cheap ones and always have one with you if you’re out of the house with the kid. We used this one, but if I was doing it again I’d buy two cheaper ones like these for less.
  • Baby Mat w/ Mobile. There are a million similar ones, so just find one that fits your aesthetic and roll with it. This is like the bouncer seat, but the mobile was great at keeping our kids attention for a while. It also encourages them as they age to reach for stuff, which is good for their hand eye coordination.
  • Baby Motrin & Baby Tylenol. Your kid is going to get sick. Period. You won’t know when, but when it does happen, you’re going to be worse off if you aren’t prepared. There’s nothing worse than a middle-of-the-night wake up from a kid with a fever, only to realize you have to go to the store to get medicine.
  • Baby Scale. This is not a must-have, unless your partner is a worrier. My wife, is a worrier. She was always worried when breastfeeding about whether our kids were getting enough. The fix? Get a baby scale, weigh them before the feed, then after. You will know exactly how much they ate, and you can stay sane. It’s also good to monitor their weight gain when they come home from the hospital. NOTE: Your kid will lose weight the first few days. This is normal. Do not freak out. You just have to make sure they get back to their birth weight, ideally within 10-14 days.

Delivery

Being prepared to go to the hospital

Have your hospital bag packed and ready

Once you're in the home stretch (per the last section, anything after 23 weeks), your hospital bag should be packed and parked by the door, or better yet, in your car.

Pack the practical stuff AND the creature comforts.

Practical stuff:

  • Toiletries for both of you
  • Phone chargers (bring a long cord, outlets are never where you want them)
  • A change of clothes for each day (you'll be there several days)
  • Daily meds and supplements
  • Snacks (bring ones you actually like - you're going to be eating them alone)

Creature comforts:

  • Pillows from home (hospital ones are awful)
  • Blankets you like
  • Comfy pajamas
  • Anything else that makes you feel less institutional (more on this later)

Hospitals are not comfortable places, so you will be thankful for anything you bring to ease the discomfort.

Bring entertainment, there's a lot of sitting around

Continuing from the last entry. The induction doesn't kick in right away, and the time between starting it and active labor can be long. From the time my wife was induced to when she actually started going into active labor was over 12 hours. She had an epidural and wasn't particularly uncomfortable, which meant we had a lot of time to kill in between dilation checks. The hospital TV had maybe four cable channels.

Bring your own entertainment. The hospital TV will not save you.

If you're game people, bring a game. If you're Netflix people, bring a laptop. If you're book people, bring a long one. Whatever it is, you'll be glad to have it.

At the hospital

Make sure your partner eats before they cut her off

I can't speak to what the rules are if you're heading in after your water breaks, but the core point remains:

Ask the doctor when your partner's last opportunity to eat will be, and make sure she gets a real meal in.

At some point, your partner is going to be on a "clear liquids and jello" diet, but no one really warns you until it's too late when that's starting. In our case, they came in to start my wife's induction about 4 hours after our last meal and let me tell you - the difference between your hangry partner and your hangry partner in labor is a bit like Clifford vs. Cujo. If we'd known we'd be on liquids only for the next however-many hours, we would've asked them to hold off long enough for one more real meal.

Getting induced is anticlimactic

I was thinking induction would be more "gunshot to start the race" or "flip a switch to on." In reality, it's more like watching the tortoise beat the hare.

The doctor will come in, use her finger to place a small hormone pill on your partner's cervix, and then leave the room.

She won't return for at least a couple of hours. And from there, it's basically checks every couple of hours to see if anything is happening. Labor doesn't kick in the moment they administer the pill. Sometimes it takes hours. Sometimes much longer. Plan accordingly.

The couch in your delivery room is actually your bed

Most delivery rooms have a couch that pulls out into a makeshift bed for the partner. Worth knowing this in advance, because not every nurse will think to mention it.

Our first night nurse was a travel nurse who didn't know the ins-and-outs of our delivery room. I spent that first night sleeping on what was effectively a small love seat. (To clarify: my wife was not in labor yet, so I think I can call this out as uncomfortable without being a total asshole.)

Ask. Most rooms will pull out into something usable.

Labor and vaginal birth

Labor is not a fast process

Just getting to the point where your partner is ready to push can take a really long time.

When she gets to the hospital, they'll check how dilated she is. The check involves the doctor or nurse sticking their gloved fingers inside her and estimating how many fingers fit into the opening of her cervix. They'll repeat this every couple of hours.

Active labor starts at about 6 cm dilated. Pushing happens at 10 cm. The journey from "arrival" to "10 cm" can be a really long one.

In our case, my wife started at 2.5 cm when we arrived, and didn't hit 10 cm for about 14 hours.

The birthing process isn't fast either

Birth videos on YouTube cut to the action. In real life, there is no cut.

Once your partner is at 10 cm and her contractions are strong and frequent enough (about every 2 minutes), the doctor will tell her to start pushing.

Pushing is basically the equivalent of trying to poop with complete, full body conviction.

She'll push 2-3 times per contraction, every 2 minutes, for an average of 1-2 hours as a first-time mom. Said another way: your partner will aggressively flex nearly every muscle in her body somewhere between 60 and 180 times while giving birth. It is a grueling and exhausting process.

Don't expect to see much progress watching the baby be born

Each time my wife pushed, our son's head would move about 1 mm in the birth canal. Every time she stopped pushing, he would slide back about 0.9 mm.

From the time I first saw his head and thought "okay grab him" to the time he was actually welcomed into the world was easily 30+ minutes.

It will feel like a long time for you, and an even longer time for your partner, who is doing all the work.

She might poop during birth

It doesn't happen to everyone, but there's a good chance you'll see your partner poop while giving birth. These are just the facts.

The doctor will have a towel down. The nurse will rapidly swap it out and replace it with a new one each time it happens.

Yes, I said "each time."

Pushing can burst the capillaries in her face

Aggressively bearing down can pop the capillaries in your partner's face. Luckily this didn't happen to us, but there's a real chance your partner will come out of birth looking like she had a hemorrhagic fever.

Not a huge deal as far as I know. Just be prepared to offer some words of comfort if it happens.

The doctor will dump olive oil on your partner's nether regions

Seriously. The doctor is going to pour olive oil (or some equivalent) all over your partner's nether regions during birth.

In our case, our doctor actually handed the bottle to me and asked if I wanted to help.

If you're feeling adventurous, feel free to test out your new dad superpower (the dad joke) and crack something about "not-a-virgin" olive oil. Odds are it'll bomb. But as a new dad, you're going to need to get used to people not laughing at your jokes anymore.

If your partner has a c-section

Why we had to have a c-section (Breach baby!)

Our second kid was breach, so I wanted to share a couple of things we learned.

First: plenty of kids are breach at some point during pregnancy. If yours is breach, don't freak out. Something like 97% of kids who are breach at some point will turn around. The latest window for a kid to flip is usually around 38 weeks.

Being breach can mean different things, but it all boils down to the same fact: your kid hasn't transitioned to a heads-down position in the birth canal like they should before a vaginal birth.

If your baby is still breach heading into labor, your partner is most likely going to have a c-section. There are some exceptions, but plan for it.

ECV (external cephalic version)

Quick note: this entry doesn't strictly belong under c-section, since an ECV is an attempt to AVOID a c-section. But if your kid is breach, this is one of the things you'll be looking at, so I'm including it here.

If your kid is still breach late into your partner's term, you'll have the option to try an external cephalic version. This is a fancy term for "the doctor very firmly presses and pulls on your partner's stomach to force the baby to flip."

Success rates I've seen are around 50%. In our case, my wife decided against it.

It comes down to math. Vaginal births have slightly better outcomes for the mother than c-sections, but versions also come with risks for the baby, and there's no guarantee of success. My wife chose to prioritize the baby's safety over her preference for another vaginal birth.

The math probably supports this as the right call most of the time, but there are real tradeoffs involved.

C-section vs vaginal recovery

Going in, I thought a c-section would be the better deal. If you gave me the choice of having a softball removed from my stomach or pushing a softball out of my nether regions, I'd opt for surgery every time.

Now that my wife has gone through both, she has strong convictions that vaginal birth is the way to go if you can manage it. The c-section surgery is intense. They make a large incision, then pry the abdominal muscles apart. It limits mobility for a while, and as I write this 9 months after our daughter was born, my wife still deals with some nerve pain around her incision scar.

That said, don't be afraid of a c-section if it's what you have to do. They're very safe and typically have great outcomes for both mother and baby. The process is just a worse recovery, in my wife's opinion.

The scheduled c-section process

A scheduled c-section is just about as different from a vaginal birth as the process can be. Instead of taking hours, the actual procedure takes about 20 minutes.

You'll arrive at the hospital about an hour and a half before the operation. A nurse will take you both to a waiting room where your partner will change into a gown and you'll get into scrubs. Hair nets for both of you (ironic for me, I'm bald), and little booties to wear over your feet.

Eventually, they'll wheel your partner back to administer the painkillers in preparation for surgery. You won't be able to come for this part, but they'll call you back before the action starts.

What happens during the c-section

During the c-section, you'll be positioned by your partner's head with a sheet draped between you and the incision area. You're allowed to stand up and watch at any point.

In my case, I stayed with my wife until the doctor said, "are you ready to see your baby be born?" At which point, I stood up and watched her wrench our daughter from the gaping hole in my wife's abdomen.

Forgive the strong language, but be prepared for it. It's a jarring thing to see your partner cut open on a surgical table. You'll want to be careful you don't pass out. I didn't have issues, but this is a real thing that happens, so if you're squeamish, be careful.

Get the earliest c-section time you can

Your insurance probably covers a set number of days in the hospital after delivery. By starting the day as early as possible, you give yourself the most time with access to support and medical resources.

Hospital staff are insanely helpful at this stage in parenthood, and you'll be happy to have some additional support before you go home with a newborn.

Remove fallopian tubes if you're done having kids

If you're having a c-section AND you know you're done having kids, ask them to remove your partner's fallopian tubes while they're already in there.

Having them removed can reduce your partner's risk of certain cancers by as much as 70%.

It also might save you from a vasectomy.

Right after the baby is out

Cutting the cord is harder than you'd think

If you elect to cut the umbilical cord, be prepared to put some muscle into it. I expected it to be easy. It's more like cutting an inch-thick, wet rubber band with kid scissors.

There's significant blood flowing through the cord, so the doctor will clamp it in two places. Your job is to cut between the clamps.

Skin-to-skin contact

Heads up that skin-to-skin contact looks pretty different depending on whether your partner had a vaginal birth or a c-section.

In a vaginal birth, when the time is right, they just set the baby on mom's chest and she can hold it. Straightforward.

In a c-section, your partner has a big sheet draped between her and the operation, leaving very little real estate between her face and the sheet. They basically set the baby beneath her chin, where she can't really see the baby very well.

In our case, my wife said we could delay the skin-to-skin long enough for them to clean up our daughter and my wife, so she could get to a more conventional skin-to-skin position faster. That's not for everyone, but it's something to consider when they ask if you want to do skin-to-skin.

Apgar scores (and what they mean)

Almost immediately after the baby is born, they're going to take it from you to weigh it, measure it, and assess its Apgar scores.

The Apgar score is a 1-to-10 scale that assesses the baby's color, breathing, muscle tone, etc. They'll do one at 1 minute, another at 5 minutes, and they'll keep checking every 5 minutes until the score is better than a 7.

A couple things to know going in.

First: no kid gets a 10. It's just not a thing. Even in a perfectly healthy birth, you'll usually hear something like an 8 at the 1-minute mark followed by a 9 at the 5-minute mark. Totally normal.

Second: if you hear a low score, it isn't necessarily a reason to panic. Some kids just need a second to adjust to being out in the world. The medical staff is right there assessing and doing what needs to be done.

If you want to walk over and watch the assessment, that's allowed. You'll have to balance supporting your partner and checking on the baby.

Passing the placenta

In a vaginal birth, your partner kind of gives birth twice. I'm being a bit hyperbolic, but after the baby comes out, she still has to pass the placenta.

Just so you're prepared, it's a bit like watching your partner give birth to a veiny, purple, deflated volleyball.

See or keep the placenta

Fun fact: you can ask to see the placenta after they get it out, and you can even ask them to preserve it for you.

Some people believe that consuming the placenta is good for the mother after birth, and there's some precedent for this in nature. Companies will break it down into capsules for your partner to take postpartum if you're into that. We didn't, but hey, to each their own.

My wife did ask to see hers, because she's into that kind of medical stuff.

Uterine massage

Immediately after a vaginal birth (and potentially for a while after), the nurses are going to come by every so often and press firmly on your partner's stomach. They're checking that her body is expelling everything that got left behind during the birthing process. (The placenta, blood, that kind of fun stuff.)

It can be really uncomfortable. Be there for your partner in those moments.

The first 3 months

Why you should consider a postpartum doula

A postpartum doula is someone who comes to your house to help usher you into your new identity as a parent. They'll wash bottles, do laundry, change diapers... a good doula will basically do whatever you need done to allow you to get a minute of rest.

They can be expensive, but this was some of the best money we ever spent. My wife is not good at resting, and having someone in the house who could say "you have to go relax, what do I need to do to make that happen" was a huge help.

Quick note: birthing doulas and postpartum doulas are not the same thing.

Ditch pacifiers ASAP!

Rely on pacifiers as little as possible and ditch them as soon as you can.

This is a tough one, especially if they work well for calming your kid. But it's not good for kids to use pacifiers for a really long time, and the older they get, the harder it is to break the habit.

If you have a kid who isn't super into pacifiers, DITCH THEM. They're a huge pain in the ass.

Cradle cap (and how to deal with it)

Cradle cap is basically very intense, flaky dander on their heads. It's not really a big concern but it is kinda nasty.

Our son didn't have any issues, but our daughter did. Luckily, it's easy to clear up. You just need a brush and a special shampoo.

If money isn't super tight, having some on hand just in case isn't a terrible plan.

Low milk supply? Try a Guinness

This sounds like an old wives' tale, or alcoholism, but this really worked for my wife.

I doubt there's a recommended dose on this front, but she had one spaced out over the course of the day.

My recommendation is you also have 4-5 before noon, but hey, I'm not a doctor.

The first months are harder than you think (and dads get PPD too)

No one talks about it but you may have a mourning period post-birth, or even postpartum depression (seriously, 1 in 10 men get PPD). I don’t think I was clinically depressed, but it’s hard to feel enthusiastic when you’re dragging your exhausted ass out of bed for the 18th time that night, with nothing to look forward to other than a diaper full of shit. You may think, oh no, I will be so happy to see my kid and I will just be overwhelmed with love.

In reality, for the first couple of months, your kid is a potato. A round-the-clock, screaming, crying, shitting, eating, potato in constant need of your attention, love, patience, etc. And they will give you little to nothing back. For the first ~8 weeks or so, your kid can’t even focus on your face (newborns can only see blurry images at a max distance of 12-18 inches), much less smile, laugh, or say, “thanks for all your hard work.” This will (presumably) be the first time you’ve ever had a true “constant” responsibility, and it is fucking hard.

Personally , somewhere mid-month 2 was my “breaking point.” For me, that was when the mounting sleep debt had maxed out while the excitement that fueled my survival had waned. I was exhausted and I felt like this was just “my life” now and forever. I believe I cried in the shower.

This is all my way of saying, what you’re about to do is hard. Be kind to yourself. Make time for things that make you happy.

Accept help. You will be a better father than if you don’t.

Also , it gets so much better down the road. Just gut out those first 2-3 months and you'll barely remember it down the road.

Reinvent date night (try ResortPass)

Everyone always says “be sure to still make time for date nights,” or something like that.

However , some of the best advice we ever got was to totally reinvent date night. Rather than trying to get dressed up and go out to dinner, where you'll likely talk extensively about your kid(s), just go get a hotel room for the day using ResortPass. (You can get access to really nice hotel’s pools, or even a room just for daytime hours, for pretty cheap) Catch up on your shows.

Read books. Get a massage. Take a shower for as long as you want.

Go swim in the pool. Order room service. The possibilities are endless but none require work on your part like getting dressed up or being on some sort of schedule.

Some of our best days in the last couple years have been spent being lazy for the day in a hotel room, and it isn't even as scandalous as that sentence sounds.

You might grieve your old life

Another thing I’ve almost never heard people talk about is that you may experience a real sense of loss after your son/daughter is born, and you may need some time to grieve that loss. Even as I type this, I cringe because I know it’s taboo to say, but I’m going to say it because it fucking happens. Your partner’s body will be different.

Your access to her body may be different. The way you think about her body may be different. Her desire to get anywhere near your body may be different.

Your carefree ways of grabbing a beer after work, sleeping in on a Saturday, or watching a whole game uninterrupted, may be different. At some point, you will probably feel like some of your favorite things in life have been stripped away from you for good. I’m sure it’s different for every person, but for me, I was sad.

I knew that some things in my life had forever changed and I wasn’t totally ready for the weight of that.

For what it’s worth, the “it feels like forever,” feeling is really short lived and most things do go back to at least near-normal. Just hang in there and let yourself grieve if you’re bummed out. ::exhales::

The wet wipe trick to keep him from peeing on you

Pro tip: if your kid pees every time you take off the diaper, which is especially annoying with boys, swipe their tummy with a wet wipe right above the line of their diaper and then blow on it lightly before changing them. They are peeing in response to the temperature change, and you can produce the same effect this way, while their diaper is still on. It’s not foolproof, but this is an easy way to reduce the times you get peed on, which will probably be greater than zero regardless.

Stack the new diaper UNDER the old one

Put the new diaper you are going to put your kid into UNDER them in an open position before you start to change the first diaper. It’s a bit hard to explain in text, but basically, lay it out and just set them, in their dirty diaper, on top. Once you’ve cleaned everything, just swipe away the dirty one and you’re good to wrap them up again.

Trust me, it’s worth it.

Use way more Triple Paste than you think

There is no such thing as too much Triple Paste. Lather than shit on like you’re icing a cake and you love frosting. It isn’t bad for your kid in any way, and the alternative (diaper rash) is bad for you kid, and for you… especially for you.

Skip the wipe warmers

Don’t buy wipe warmers unless you want to need them and suffer when you don’t have them. Our son didn’t give two shits (no pun intended) about whether a wipe was warm. Anecdotally, he does appear to be the exception, but you can always wait and see if you’re trying to find places to save money.

If you get them used to wipe warmers, you’ll need them constantly. If you can get through without, you’ll avoid one more thing to carry around.

Keep an "Oh Shit Kit" in your car

Leave an “Oh Shit Kit” in your car. Fill it with extra diapers, an extra outfit, an extra pacifier… anything else you think you might need. You will probably forget your diaper bag at some point and having backups that are permanently on the move with you is helpful.

Just remember to cycle out the diapers and spare outfit as your kid grows, which they will do rapidly.

Get them used to cold milk early

Kids will drink cold milk. Some may be more resistant to it than others, but the sooner you aren’t dependent on a bottle warmer, the happier you will be. I promise you, they will come around if you keep trying.

If they’re really fussy, I’d suggest doing a gradual transition - start with lukewarm milk and once they like that, keep heating it less out of the fridge. My friend’s sister had her babies trained to drink it straight out of the fridge by like month 2 because she didn’t want to get up and heat it in the middle of the night. Credit to her for this one.

NOTE: the one exception to this would be if you have a preemie or a very low birth weight child (as in cause for medical concern low), as it could theoretically create problems with temperature regulation. If you have a normal, healthy kid, you'll be fine.

Put a mini-fridge by your bed

Put a mini-fridge next to your bed to store milk or formula in. Going to the kitchen a bunch of times for those first few months sucks. We kept a mini-fridge and a bottle warmer right there and never left our bedroom.

This is why I said to buy a cheap mini-fridge earlier.

4–6 months

Comparison is the thief of joy (especially with milestones)

Comparison is the thief of joy. I think that's how the saying goes but man it is extra real with kids, and extra hard. Kids do stuff at their own pace and the reality is, unless your kid is consistently late on milestones, none of it matters.

(And even if he/she is just consistently mildly late, it may still not matter… just talk to your doctor if you're concerned).

But seriously - we have friends with crawling 7 month olds, and friends whose kid never crawled “correctly,” and other friends whose kids never crawled at all. All three kids? Completely fine.

Apply this to all things - sitting up, raising their head, speaking… it is almost never significant and being late on one aspect doesn't mean diddly about your kids abilities. Different genders also tend to develop at different paces for different skills.

Crawling is not even a milestone anymore

On that note - crawling is not a milestone. The American Pediatric Society has literally removed it as a milestone. Shame on me for even using it as an example above.

Your kid may never crawl and that's nothing to worry about. It is supposedly good for coordination if you can help them figure it out, but they may not. In our son's case, he developed more of an inch worm scoot where his arms move together, then his legs, to push him forward.

Other babies scoot. Lots even do this weird one legged monkey crawl move that genuinely makes them look like a primate. These are all okay, although the last one will need to be addressed if they do it for too long because it can give them muscle imbalances or something.

If you r kid isn't developing any of these skills or they aren't moving along, just talk to your pediatrician and they will recommend physical therapy to encourage proper development - like a physical trainer for babies. (Note: I believe the timeline for concern is like 14–16 months or multiple months of the monkey walk, so don't run to your doc if your kid isn't Flo Jo by their first birthday…)

Do everything you can before your kid is mobile

Do everything you possibly can before your kid is mobile. The first six months will feel hard but that is genuinely the easiest time you are ever going to have when it comes to stuff like travel or going out with friends. Babies can travel remarkably soon after birth.

Take a trip. Go to a brewery. Visit family.

Don't “wait until you've figured it out,” because the older they get: the longer they are awake, the more vocal they are, the more they can move, the greater their need to be occupied, etc.

Use BabyQuip when you travel

If you are traveling, don’t bring a half dozen bags of baby stuff. Use BabyQuip. This is SO clutch for travel if it’s available wherever you’re going.

You can rent cribs, toys, car seats… you name it. We use it every time we travel.

Better kids music (Caspar Babypants and Snoop)

Caspar Babypants. Caspar is a musician who makes music for kids. It probably doesn't sound that cool now, but when you've listened to “Oops I Dropped My Pumpkin” by Miss Rachel for even the third or fourth time, you'll feel like I've just introduced you to AC/DC.

Also , I don't care what anyone says, “Here Comes Stompy the Bear,” is a banger.

Also , Snoop Dogg. Yep. You read that right.

Snoop D. O. Double G, has a handful of kids albums, and some of the tracks really slap.

Why you should sleep train (and when)

Highly recommend sleep training as soon as it is healthy for your baby’s development. This is a personal decision for each parent but anecdotally, our friends who have done it have been very thankful they did, while the others have still been stressed for naps and bedtime. I believe the books say wait until your kid is ~4-6 months old, but we started around the late 3 month mark because our son was demonstrating self soothing behaviors.

(Waking at night and going back to sleep without us intervening… which you discover by ignoring them for 5-10 minutes to see if they have learned the skill yet. It's counter intuitive but the second we tried it catapulted us from up every 3 hours to 5-6 hours of steady sleep a night!) We did the cry it out method and chickened out the first time. The second time we stuck to our guns and he went to sleep after maybe 20-30 minutes of crying.

Next time was 8-10. Next was 3-5. Within three frustrating and shitty naps, we got a kid who would put himself to sleep if he was tired, and it was glorious.

I'm sure it's not the same for everyone but I do know the later you wait the harder it gets, so don't decide to do this when they're a year old if you can help it.

How to actually sleep train

When (if) you decide to sleep train your kid… some pointers: (1) don't listen to them cry the whole time. It doesn't change a fucking thing. It will just drive you nuts.

Go to the other side of the house or the backyard with the monitor and check on them for a few seconds, once every five minutes. They will either be crying or not crying. I promise it stops fairly quickly.

Anecdotally, my understanding is most kids sleep train within 3 days if you fully commit. (2) Set a timer. Commit to staying the hell out of the room and DO NOT pick them up just because they are crying.

This reinforces them crying longer and louder. Just make an agreement with your partner that you are going to try this for X minutes, if she is struggling to come to terms with the process. The process does suck but it is short lived and the end result is amazing.

Also , don’t set a timeframe that isn’t realistic out of the gates. They WILL cry for 15+ minutes the first time, and I’ve heard of kids who cry for an hour. If you aren’t prepared to let them cry for 30+ minutes, you’re just going to upset them for nothing.

6–12 months (not a potato)

Things are about to change fast

Congratulations. If you ’ve made it this far, things are about to start changing fast, in a good way. Up to this point, you’ve probably had small victories - your kid has smiled, held up their head, rolled over, etc. Now they are going to start growing in leaps and bounds.

While the days will still feel long, you will have some awesome firsts coming regularly now. You will likely hear your kid laugh, see them ask to be picked up, watch them gradually figure out how toys work… they will learn to give hugs and kisses, respond to their name… if you’re teaching sign language, some babies will even start to pick it up during this window of time.

Teach your kid sign language

Sign language - highly, highly, highly recommend it. For one, the day your kid does their first sign will be a monumental day. It is exceptionally cool to see the first time they realize they can do something to communicate their needs to you, and kids can sign well before they can verbally communicate.

The latter part of that is really why I recommend it though. As I write this, my son is currently 13 months, give or take, and he can’t really “talk.” He has a couple of “words,” he uses, but they’re borderline indiscernible.

That said , he can tell us if he’s hungry, or if he wants milk. He can say if he wants more of something, or tell us when he is all done eating. After spending the better part of a year trying to figure out how to appease him, even this minimal communication is such a massive relief.

While there is a persistent myth that kids who learn to sign may delay speech development, research actually tends to support that kids who learn to sign have better outcomes across a range of measures.

Hand, foot, and mouth disease (HFM)

Hand, foot, and mouth disease. We knocked this out early but you'll probably encounter this once you start daycare or just through random bad luck. If you r kid has some red dots on their body or in their mouth, accompanied by a fever or fussiness, buckle in.

You might be getting HFM out of the way! The good news is, most people only get HFM once. Bad news is, some can get it again, which includes you.

We didn't have this issue but I've heard it really sucks. It definitely sucks when your kid has it - they'll be miserable and covered in small blisters, potentially from head to toe. Then, when they recover, they can endure skin peeling and fingernail/toenail loss!

Don't freak out during the recovery… everything grows back quickly and they hardly seem to notice. Just grit your teeth and get through it.

Update: 4 years later, and this is still the worst thing we ever dealt with, and we’ve had COVID, norovirus, the flu… you name it.

Bite the bullet on ditching bottles

Bite the bullet on ditching the bottles. Our pediatrician recommended we go cold turkey on bottles and I subconsciously thank him every day. If you do it early enough - I believe we did it around 8-9 months - your kid will adapt very quickly.

The older they get, the more memory they have and the more resistant they will be to change. When I say cold turkey, I mean it. Take the bottles and put them away.

Out of sight, out of mind. Your kid will learn to drink from a straw shockingly quickly. The transition might suck, but within 3-4 days, you'll be living in a bottle free household.

Dishes will be dramatically easier, as will simple activities like going to a restaurant where you can get a drink with a straw rather than bring a bottle. This is one of those moments where you can suffer for a few days, or suffer gradually indefinitely. Pick your poison.

1–2 years (holy shit they're fast)

When they start watching TV, give them Bluey

Once you start letting your kid watch TV, I highly recommend Bluey. It's available on Disney Plus and is, so far, far and away the most palatable kids show. We haven't watched Coco Melon, but I've heard that's one to avoid if you can help it.

More for your parental sanity than anything, but again, I can't weigh in on that one.

Also , be on the lookout for two Easter eggs in Bluey episodes - a long dog and tennis balls. I believe there is one or the other in every episode to give parent viewers something to do.

12 months is the safe age for blankets and stuffed animals in the crib

I believe the 12 month mark is the official “safe age” for your kid to sleep with a stuffed animal or a blanket. Don’t mess with these things because it’s cute early. Young kids can accidentally asphyxiate themselves on items in the crib.

Added benefit once they can is that they also seem to help soothe kids back to sleep if they wake up during the night. (Although since we sleep trained, that’s really not an issue for us)

Sticker books (and a toddler sandbox)

Buy sticker books. I can't even tell you how many hours we have burned letting our kids pick stickers out of sticker books for us to help them peel up. (We peel up a corner then let them finish getting it up) We end up with stickers everywhere at times, but it's great for their dexterity and keeps them occupied for large swaths of time, which can be a challenge.

We've also had great luck with a toddler sandbox, just do your best to make sure your kid doesn't eat too much sand. You may think “my kid will eat no sand?!” You are incorrect.